Shadow

Hi! Welcome to YWS!

I really liked this. I've quoted it so I can make suggestions as to punctuation you could use, in an attempt to make myself feel useful.

Cian Hywel wrote:If you ask me what is wrong,
I won't know what to say.
If you ask what I want,
I will still meet you with silence. - Switched 'will' and 'still' to prevent it jarring.

Not completely present,
Not entirely here.
There is form
But it is flat,
The definition hidden.

All immaterial - Don't necessarily need a comma here.
As a shadow.
This isn't living;
It's a shadow life. - Like those last two lines.

And yet, like the shadow,
I know the definition is still there.
All those certainties,
All the distinction -
Everything is still present, only
Hidden.

Something must cast the shadow, and
Light must illuminate it.

And then,
I wonder.

I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in. - Love this. Although, maybe to link better with the mention of 'prison' later on, you could try a substitute for 'penning'. A word similar to 'confining', but not it, since it's a little clichéd and could be viewed as melodramatic.
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.

I wonder - Took out comma since you didn't use one before in 'I wonder if'.
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking.

If you ask me what is wrong--- comma?

I won't know what to say

If you ask what I want,

I still will meet you with silence.-- this line breaks the rhythm



Not completely present,

Not entirely here;

There is form

But it is flat,

The definition hidden.



All immaterial,

As a shadow.

This isn't living

It's a shadow life



And yet, like the shadow

I know the definition is still there

All those certainties

All the distinction,

Everything is still present, only

Hidden.



Something must cast the shadow, and------ these two line are very true, i like it

Light must illuminate it.



And then,

I wonder.



I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me

Appear so clear, because there

Never were such walls penning me in;--- should use a comma

There is no way out,

Because the prison does not exist.--- very good line!



I wonder,

If, when looking at my shadow,

I forget

The light that's shining, and

Who's doing the

Looking.


i don't have much to say because this poem was good and just great,
gold star

---Jon---

only a few times did you lose the flow, but those were barely noticeable. my favorite was the very first stanza. it was so beautiful.

this piece had great emotion and expression.
at the very beginning, i wasn't sure if your varying stanza length was intentional, but i'm assuming it was (well, duh.)
the different lengths did--as said previously--added a great structure to the poem and kept the reader's attention (mine, at least).

this was an awesome poem.
great job!


-GC10

I love this poem. It has great feeling and the variation of stanza length adds an amazing structure which is easy to read.
The first stanza is amazing, i love the whole meantion about silence.
My favourite part has got to be about the non-existant prison. The way you have styled the poem is really great. I love it.
Natalie

Cian Hywel wrote:
I wonder if the walls of glass surrounding me
Appear so clear, because there
Never were such walls penning me in;
There is no way out,
Because the prison does not exist.

I wonder,
If, when looking at my shadow,
I forget
The light that's shining, and
Who's doing the
Looking.